We won't sleep together?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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