how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
