my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
