It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I cut my penus on the lid.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
