I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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