i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
