who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
