I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
