i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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