I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
