Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
