EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So much rum. So many feels.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
