She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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