Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
