Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
