Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
