I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I am one with the molecules
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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