WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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