Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
