Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
