apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
