The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
