Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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