So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
this is an emotional support booty call
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
