I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
