mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
