I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I faked an abortion last night.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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