I wish I could teleport
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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