What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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