gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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