Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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