i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
