Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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