i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
