have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
