I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
