I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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