My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
