I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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