I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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