Sry I called you an 8
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
