Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
