Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
