Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
