hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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