If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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