My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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