I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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