kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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