i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
A+ Viking dick
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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