Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
