I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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