my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
