Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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