the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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