Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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