Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
