Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
