What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
