I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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