She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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