I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
