I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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